I was a little late to the Hozier party. I mean I loved Take Me To Church and I laughed at the dark forest prince memes and I even reblogged them, but I figured it was all kind of a tumblr exaggeration.
Then I listened to his album, wherein he sings about:
decomposing in a field with his love and getting eaten by foxes
being dug out of the dirt by his love, who he implores to kiss him “like real people do”, implying that neither of them are real people
observing the world as an outsider (“happy to lie back, watch it burn and rust; we tried the world, good god it wasn’t for us”)
rising from his grave to crawl home to his love
“the bog man”
and I realized, no, he’s just Like That.
are you telling me all of those are real songs and not just aesthetics tumblr made up
Listen, I didn’t believe it either, but that’s absolutely what I’m telling you.
my animal crossing character, heelying into the museum wearing sunglasses and holding a pina colada in one hand and an enormous bug in the other: blathers, you’re not gonna fucking believe this,
talking to my dad is a freaking minefield. Today at dinner I asked him if he’d ever been to New York City in the 90′s and he was like, “nope. Only in the 70′s to donate blood for my mom in the hospital while she was dying from leukemia.” I swear I didn’t even know my grandmother had leukemia (may she rest in peace). This is worse than the time I asked him if he’d ever had riding lessons and he said, “not since my childhood lesson pony burned to death in a barn fire in Kentucky.”
he just did it again! I was making small talk while we were carrying in the groceries like, “yeah I have a taser in my purse but I’ve never gotten to use it,” and he goes, “I’ve been tasered before it’s not fun. Neither was waterboarding.”
wtf dad
latest edition:
me: I found a bottle of vic’s vapo rub in the cabinet that expired in 2002 but it was fine.
my dad: Oh I don’t touch that stuff but guys I worked with used it to mask the smell of bodies that’d been dead for a while.
i was the exact opposite bc I grew up in an old old house that always needed work and when I moved into my first apartment the landlord told me the bathroom still needed caulked and I didnt understand that meant she was sending someone to DO that so I caulked the entire bathroom and when the guy got there he went “did you……..Do This” and I was like “yes, and why, and who are you”
favorite presidential kid? probably alice roosevelt.
-her mother died two days after she was born and on the same day her maternal grandmother also died. teddy was so sad that he left his newborn daughter with his sister anna for two years and could never bring himself to say his wife’s name so alice who was named after her mother had to be called “lee”, her middle name.
-when teddy remarried, alice’s stepmom edith made it clear that she thought alice’s mom had been beautiful but dumb. when alice’s parents couldn’t handle her anymore, they sent her to her aunt anna’s. according to alice, “If auntie Bye had been a man, she would have been president”. alice claimed to feel one-sixth as loved as her five half-siblings.
-then alice got polio which at the time could kill, not to mention cripple. her stepmom put her through an uncompromising regimen of nightly forced wearing of torturous leg braces and shoes, which left alice with no trace of the disability and able to run up stairs and touch her nose with her toe well into her 80s.
-alice’s dad and stepmom tried to send her to a conservative girls’ school but alice wrote home, “If you send me I will humiliate you. I will do something that will shame you. I tell you I will”.
-when teddy became president in 1901, alice became an instant celebrity and fashion icon at age 17. she did scandalous things like smoking cigarettes in public, riding in cars with men, staying out late partying, keeping a pet snake (called emily spinach) in the white house, and placing bets with a bookie.
-she even had a color - alice blue - and a song - alice blue gown - named after her. the press called her princess alice.
-during an imperial cruise to japan, alice jumped into a pool fully dressed and coaxed a congressman in to join her.
-one time a white house visitor commented on alice’s frequent interruptions in the oval office, usually with political advice. after the third interruption, teddy explained, “I can either run the country or I can attend to Alice, but I cannot possibly do both”.
-in february 1906, alice married congressman nicholas longworth and was the social event of the season. it was attended by more than a thousand guests and thousands gathered outside hoping for a glance of princess alice. she wore a blue wedding dress and cut the wedding cake with a sword.
-alice publicly supported her dad’s 1912 presidential candidate while her husband supported president taft. alice appeared on stage in her husband’s own district with her dad’s vp candidate. longworth lost by 105 votes and alice joked that she was worth at least 100 votes (meaning she was the reason he lost).
-alice’s campaign against her husband caused a friction in their marriage and longworth was known to be carrying on many affairs. it was also generally accepted knowledge in dc that alice had a long, ongoing affair with senator william borah, who by alice’s own admission was the father of her daughter, paulina. alice had a wicked sense of humor and had initially wanted to name her daughter deborah (as in de Borah).
-after the death of her daughter paulina in 1957, alice fought for and won custody of her granddaughter joanna.
-in the 1950s, alice’s health began to fail her and she broke a hip. she also discovered she was suffering from breast cancer and had to have two mastectomies. in 1960, alice was diagnosed with emphysema.
-alice was also a champion of rights for african-americans. one day, in 1965, alice’s african-american chauffeur and good friend, turner, was driving her to an appointment. turner pulled out in front of a taxi and the driver yelled at him, “What do you think you’re doing, you black bastard?” turner stayed calm but alice told the taxi driver, “He’s taking me to my destination, you white son of a bitch!”
-after many years of ill health, alice died of emphysema and pneumonia at age 96, outliving all five of her younger half-siblings.
-her most famous quote was, “If you haven’t got anything good to say about anybody, come sit next to me”.
-when senator joseph mccarthy joked at a party, “Here’s my blind date. I am going to call you Alice”, she replied, “Senator McCarthy, you are not going to call me Alice. The trashman and the policeman on my block call me Alice, but you may not”.
-she told president lyndon b. johnson that she wore wide-brimmed hats so he couldn’t kiss her.
-when a kkk member dressed in full costume asked her to trust his word, she said, “I never trust a man under sheets”.
so in summary, alice roosevelt longworth was badass.
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I can’t make this shit up. Honestly thought that the ad was a part of the post at first.
I like the poster’s implication that the producers of Sesame Street did not put a counting vampiric count on a children’s educational series to teach kids how to count; this was just an incidental side effect of their fidelity to obscure vampire folklore.
